i love you deanna joan

I don’t think there are many words to really begin to describe how I feel right now.  Unfortunately, my mother did not receive very good news from the doctor last week.  I would be lying if I told you God didn’t already prepare me for this tonight.  As soon she sat us down to ‘talk’ and before she even started with he word breast, I knew.  I lost breath when it came out.  That’s Jesus.  “Foreknowledge” I didn’t even know I had. The doctors have found two large masses in her left breast.  Because her tissue is very dense, she is at a much higher risk of breast cancer.  They say the masses look solid and not fluid-like.  She is going Thursday to see a surgeon for a byopsy.  The single most only thing we can do right now is pray.  Every odd is stacked against her and this family but listen here… We realize just where our help comes from.  Sure, it’s like we can’t catch a break.  But my daddy got his miracle, so who is to say momma can’t?  Not I.  Not us.  I would be lying to you if I told you I can see this screen 100% as I type these words.  This hurts.  This really really one thousand and ten percent hurts.  I can’t even to BEGIN to explain the feelings coiling through my bones right now.  Deanna Maxwell is THE strongest woman that I know walking this earth.  And she more than anyone I know deserves a life of good health.  If you know her, then you already know.  She is a straight BLESSING sent from God to EVERYONE in her life.  All I am and ever hope to be I owe to my mother.

If you are reading this right now… Please pray.  That is a l l that that woman and this family wants and needs right now.  “There is nothing I desire or need more right now than prayer.  I don’t need anything else.”

There is a plan.  I know it.  She knows it.  We know it.  “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1.  It’s amazing… I am once again humbled that the Lord called me back in this house this school year.  Absolutely ASTOUNDED by His ways.  His oh so ever mysterious ways.  You know what makes me cry the most?  Seeing my mother hurt.  And seeing my sissys with absolute fear written all over their faces.  Tears sopped in worry.  But here’s the deal… We then look to one another every time reminding ourselves that we serve a God greater than ANY of these circumstances.  After all, God gives his toughest battles to his toughest soldiers.  Thank You Lord for STRENGTH. Amen.

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Isn’t it sometimes a great feeling when you have those people in your life that just know you that well. Today I have not felt at all the greatest… My tummy and head have both been on ten and I promise you my pup has known, Tucker. You’re laughing at me because he’s not human but I’m essentially relating. The little boy followed me wherever I went. If I moved from this room to this room he came right with me. From this couch to that chair he was right with me. I went to lay down and he snugged his wittle booty right up to me. I would move my body an inch and he made sure he was snugged up to me tighter. Even if all I was doing was moving my arm. He knew somethin was wrong with his sissy. He must know snugging is my favorite too. 🐛💕 that warm, cozy, close feeling. There’s nothin like it. The only other skill I need Tuck to master is some back scratchin or rubbing. Then he’s all I could ever need😆 Did you know cuddling is actually proven to relieve  stress? I didn’t. But it makes sense. Anyhoo, Tuck made me feel loved. And he’s my puppy!! We all of course feel loved in so many different ways but I know for a fact that feeling of knowing somebody cares makes everybody feel good. Those people that know you so well that you don’t even have to let ’em know something’s up and it’s like boom. And yet n still we still hide so many times in our silentness and behind our shortness and just wait until the other gets too tired of asking what’s the deal and realize ugh I’ll just get over it. Isn’t it crazy how we all show we love one another in different ways?  There’s something so beautiful to me about that.

Communication is everything. I’ve grown to really understand this. Relationships will crumble in an instant when you start lacking in this area. Before you know it you’re like whoa oh hheeyyyy pick it up Joan! Tucker can’t speak to me, but he let me know that he was there and he was here for me just by doing what he was doing. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I love that little man (sometimes)

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These days I’m keepin awake. The Man upstairs has got me in His hands. 🙌

say no to school (jk) (I love school) (but don’t)

Hi. I just finished drowning. But I’m alive. BECAUSE NUTRITION AND GEOLOGY OF ALL COURSES ARE KICKING MY REAR END!!!! May I add that NEITHER course have absolutely NOTHING to do with what I am doing with my life. Who knew that the GI (digestive) tract re-whatevers itself every 3 days. Or that dinosaurs were extinct at one point and then came back and then went extinct again… Like WHO?? Who knew that??? Who would know that??? Not me. I didn’t. And now I do. Unfortunately. Despite how irrelevant it is. Where are all my nutrition brainz and scientificwhatever friends when you need them??? Not here helping me with quizzes. Not here. So note to self: continue down the career path I am trekking down. & keep chowing down almonds until I am complete with all the 💩

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It is literally so amazing to me how I can find REAL LIFE in the Bible. Like… Real things that actually transpire in the Life of Joan Maxwell. Like modern day 20th century mush. It’s TRUTH. Every single line and stanza is absolutely one hundred and ten percent truth. This is my playbook. My guide for my life. I need to start studying it more. Wisdom just LEEKS off the pages. I feel so alive. Yeah… I’ma start studying it a tad bit more a day. ✔️
Thank You Father for giving me Hope tonight. Thank You for giving me a peace of mind. I trust You. I love You.

I had some wings okay

Tonight it’s been me, myself, and my doggy and I’ve done nothing but laundry, homework, and hating myself because the last two days I swear I have eaten 48 hours in a row.  I have cheated left and right and haven’t gotten to the gym the last two days.  I finally quickly jumped up and went to the mirror and reminded myself to pick myself back up.  Two days of nasty is not going to kill me.  I then realized I do this with a lot of different areas of my life.  I get to be so harsh and hard on myself that I don’t even allow myself to get back at it.  TWO days Joan… That is it.  I stress myself out way entirely too much.  I looked in the mirror and realized… eeeeekkk I love myself anyway.  I’m making SO many improvements in so many different ways.  Just because I may “feel” different… There is a LOT I do not see.  I’m blind to a lot because I fog my mirrors. One of the trillion reasons I need my Saviour ☺️

My verse for the day… “Those who sow in tears shall reap in JOY”  Psalm 126:5.  Lord… You are ever so Faithful.

Plus… I don’t know about you, but what other outfit would you rather be in on Saturday night?  Like ba da ba ba baaaaaa… I am really lovin it 😉

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here’s to LIFE

My family left me this morning for the whole weekend and really, it has done none other than make me realize just how much I fear being “lonely.”  Or fear to be “alone.” It’s like I know God is always with me wherever I go but I mean… Do I really know this?  You see, I read Truth.  I speak of Truth.  I write the Truth about the Truth I read and speak of.  When did I start losing little pieces of actually believing that Truth?

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I received this text yesterday while at work and yeah I mean I read it, but I didn’t really let it hit me.  I closed the salon and got in my car and started my music and “Break Every Chain” started playing.  I pulled up this text and didn’t even get quite through half it and I just began to weep.  I wept and I wept and I absolutely one hundred and ten percent sat there and wept.  I felt every single part of that was hurting just tingle.  I had not let myself cry like that in a while.  I let go.  I let every anger, hurt, bitterness, anxiousness out. I promise you that not one eye dried up my whole way home.  I get into the house and walked back to my momma and Lord have mercy is she the most wisdom-filled woman on this planet earth.  She looks at me and says… “Joan Celeste.  I know for a fact that you know what you need to do.  You HAVE to.  I know you know exactly what you have to do and now is the time for you to do it. Stop waiting.  Stop thinking God is just going to bonk you on the head one day and be like ‘OKAY… Come to me now.’  Stop putting Him in a box where you’re like, “okay God… I trust you with this and this but over here, this is how I want things.  I want this and I want this and I want this.'”  She looked at me and said, “babydoll.  You are way up.  You speak of and write so much Truth.  I know you trust God, I know you do.  But do you reaaaallllyyyyyy realllllyyyyyy really Trust Him?  With absolutely everything in you?  It’s time to walk it out.  Walk out this Truth you speak of.  Get WEARY in always knowing what to do and always knowing what you should be doing and NOT doing it.  Grow WEARY in that.”

I guess I should start by saying there has been a lot of things going on for me in my life right now.  Lately, I have felt as though I have been pulled a thousand and one different ways with situations, places, people, etc.  It’s been so much it’s gotten so hard to really even take care of myself.  It’s been so unhealthy.  Last night I experienced a breakthrough and it was so Real.  I woke up this morning feeling like I was on some other type of PLANET.  I couldn’t even tell you the last time I felt or have felt this way.

I finally got tired.  I got tired of the nights that turned into mornings with people that could care less about me and what it is that I want to do with my life.  I got tired of always having to watch my back.  I got tired of wondering and wondering what so n so may be doing when I am not around.  Or saying.  I got tired of forgiving over and over again. I got tired of always feeling guilty.  Always blaming myself.  Always putting myself in situations that brought NO good.  I got tired… Soo soo beyond any words tired of living my life for myself.  For the weekend.  For all earthly matter that means NOTHING.  I was ill.  And honestly, no… I am not one hundred percent there yet.  Of course not.  And probably won’t be for a good length of time.  But I can tell you this…  I am thriving.  I am on my way up.  I WILL do what is asked of me.  I WILL walk down this narrow path of life.  I don’t want to be handed easy.  I WANT to be challenged.

I am growing.  And it is by the minute.  This is HARD… Change is extremely difficult.  Nobody wants to go there.  But I have decided to take on change head first.  I decided I no longer wanted to live in turmoil.  So I won’t.  I decided I no longer wanted to feel that way anymore.  So I woke up and never did again.  Leaving people and things behind is what makes it so hard.  I’ve stayed so stagnant because with this heart I’m like c’monnnnn ❤ when you really know someone, you know their potential and their real heart, and you just want them to SPROUT.  But I had to finally wake up and come to my senses that it is not enough.  You can’t make somebody want to do better or want to be the person they may want to be.  You can’t make somebody want to walk along side with you.  You just can’t.

I realize that I will be experiencing a lot of ‘lonely’ nights, afternoons, and even mornings.  I realize that.  But that’s apart of the deal.  And again, I finally truly believe that nobody is ever ‘lonely’ with God.  I went through my iCloud and iPhoto on my computer last night and went to old messages and screenshots and all that from all the way back to this time last year and my mouth and heart just sank.  Amazing.  It is amazing how much circumstances and relationships change because we allow so much YUCK to destroy.  Word to the wise: DON’T go back and look because you only make yourself get all in your feelings (ha) (not ha).

And that’s just it.  I know the friends and the people that really love me every day of the week and not just at 2 o’clock in the morning when they’re turnt or when somebody’s lonely etc etc. will open their eyes to see that I am finally through and will still love me and want me in their lives. I hope to inspire.

It’s funny because I watched this video once and the commentator said… “start LOOKIN at you.  Start TALKING to yourself. Start CUDDLING yourself.  Start WORKING on YOU.  Crafting YOU.”  I giggle as I write that because yyaasssss. ‘Tis what a season in life might take.  I am very very very thankful for the guidance in my life.  I am very thankful for my family and for my friends.  There is literally not a thing else I need in this world that God has not given me.  I realize it took allowing myself to reach a very very low point in my life to wake up.  And I am forever and ever and ever thankful.

“Remember it is you that makes the changes.  And you must stick with those changes.  You are about to turn twenty years old! I promise you, if you stick with these changes…  If you walk through with your head held high trusting Him… If you stick. with. it. Joan… I PROMISE you that if you do that… I p r o m i s e you… He is going to just LAVISH His blessings on You.  He has got so much for you.  Are you ready for it?  Stay faithful.  Stay wise.  And stay CONSTANT in prayer.”

y e s m a ‘ a m.

it’s Wednesday?

Galatians 6:9… “So let’s not get tired of doing what is good.  At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.”

Those verses that just cleanse your soul in the mornings.  I just had this conversation with my mother a few days ago.  She said how one of the kids she works with looked at her and said, “is it really worth it?  Is continuing to do the right thing and staying faithful and never giving up really all going to someday be worth it?  I mean really, like is any girl really that interested in all of this and that?”  Like bro… YES!!  The Lord promises so over and over again the blessings that He will completely shower over us if we just keep the Main Thing the Main Thing… Him.  It is soo so easy to grow weary.  As college students, we all know how hard it is to really stick to “doing the right thing.”  But that is exactly why we need each other.  God intended for us to grow in community with one another.  I mean just think about how unstoppable we would be if we would just sit down and finally decide… Okay you knock me out when I’m being an idiot.  You knock me out when you think I am about to be an idiot. We’re a team.  Lessss do this.  I say this laughing because it’s not really like that but I know you get the idea.  Just UGH!!!  Think about that… Think about the “ride or dies” in your life… Do you think they’d be willing to do that with you?  For a lot of us, there are many we know that the answer to that is no. (sadly).  But that’s what growing up is all about.  Your circle gets smaller because your vision becomes clearer.  I mean c’mon, we’re all how old now?  If we don’t start doing something about the way we live now, we’ve got a lonngggggg road ahead of us.

I think missing a person comes in waves.  And some nights, we just drown.  Last night was one of them.  I was drowning.  Have  you ever felt that you should feel a far different way than what you do?  Well, I have.  And again, last night was one of those times.  Normally I wouldn’t be able to sleep.  I’d lay awake staring into my dark room allowing my thoughts to control me and take me whichever way I allowed them to.  And last night… It wasn’t one of those times.  Last night I remembered telling myself a week ago that I have my own lane.  My own walk.  My own life that I need be concerned with.  We’re all told things about somebody we love that hurts us… I know that we have all been there.  You love them that’s why it hurts.  I decided about a week ago that I no longer want to react.  I said Lord, make me a “nonreacter.” (yes, I made up that word). I wanted that when something was thrown in my face, hurtful things, situations or words that hurt me, I wanted to be able to decide to take it all in and just bring it to Him.  Instead of reacting.  What does reacting really do in the end?  You say things you don’t really mean, you DO things you regret in an instant.  I decided I no longer wanted to react.  So I didn’t.

I want to be approachable.  I want to be that best friend of someone’s that when things are pretty rough between us, they can still come to me like hey… I messed up.  And I am coming to talk to you about it.  Love is WORK.  It takes effort.  Like jeez, I remember Ricky teaching a sermon one Sunday and he talked all about how love and hate are really one in the same.  He said there’s a reason why you feel that you hate somebody you love sometimes.  That’s how powerful relationships and love can be.   I probably allow those that I love effect me too much, but because I do I know I experience love in the most extreme ways it’s meant to.  The good and the bad.  (yes, I need to at some point find a balance).

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I’m sharing this picture because it’s the truest of the true and I just blabbed on about loviessss.
Love covers a multitude of sins. Love keeps no record of wrong doing. Love forgives. Love is absolutely one hundred and ten percent worth it.