My family left me this morning for the whole weekend and really, it has done none other than make me realize just how much I fear being “lonely.” Or fear to be “alone.” It’s like I know God is always with me wherever I go but I mean… Do I really know this? You see, I read Truth. I speak of Truth. I write the Truth about the Truth I read and speak of. When did I start losing little pieces of actually believing that Truth?
I received this text yesterday while at work and yeah I mean I read it, but I didn’t really let it hit me. I closed the salon and got in my car and started my music and “Break Every Chain” started playing. I pulled up this text and didn’t even get quite through half it and I just began to weep. I wept and I wept and I absolutely one hundred and ten percent sat there and wept. I felt every single part of that was hurting just tingle. I had not let myself cry like that in a while. I let go. I let every anger, hurt, bitterness, anxiousness out. I promise you that not one eye dried up my whole way home. I get into the house and walked back to my momma and Lord have mercy is she the most wisdom-filled woman on this planet earth. She looks at me and says… “Joan Celeste. I know for a fact that you know what you need to do. You HAVE to. I know you know exactly what you have to do and now is the time for you to do it. Stop waiting. Stop thinking God is just going to bonk you on the head one day and be like ‘OKAY… Come to me now.’ Stop putting Him in a box where you’re like, “okay God… I trust you with this and this but over here, this is how I want things. I want this and I want this and I want this.'” She looked at me and said, “babydoll. You are way up. You speak of and write so much Truth. I know you trust God, I know you do. But do you reaaaallllyyyyyy realllllyyyyyy really Trust Him? With absolutely everything in you? It’s time to walk it out. Walk out this Truth you speak of. Get WEARY in always knowing what to do and always knowing what you should be doing and NOT doing it. Grow WEARY in that.”
I guess I should start by saying there has been a lot of things going on for me in my life right now. Lately, I have felt as though I have been pulled a thousand and one different ways with situations, places, people, etc. It’s been so much it’s gotten so hard to really even take care of myself. It’s been so unhealthy. Last night I experienced a breakthrough and it was so Real. I woke up this morning feeling like I was on some other type of PLANET. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I felt or have felt this way.
I finally got tired. I got tired of the nights that turned into mornings with people that could care less about me and what it is that I want to do with my life. I got tired of always having to watch my back. I got tired of wondering and wondering what so n so may be doing when I am not around. Or saying. I got tired of forgiving over and over again. I got tired of always feeling guilty. Always blaming myself. Always putting myself in situations that brought NO good. I got tired… Soo soo beyond any words tired of living my life for myself. For the weekend. For all earthly matter that means NOTHING. I was ill. And honestly, no… I am not one hundred percent there yet. Of course not. And probably won’t be for a good length of time. But I can tell you this… I am thriving. I am on my way up. I WILL do what is asked of me. I WILL walk down this narrow path of life. I don’t want to be handed easy. I WANT to be challenged.
I am growing. And it is by the minute. This is HARD… Change is extremely difficult. Nobody wants to go there. But I have decided to take on change head first. I decided I no longer wanted to live in turmoil. So I won’t. I decided I no longer wanted to feel that way anymore. So I woke up and never did again. Leaving people and things behind is what makes it so hard. I’ve stayed so stagnant because with this heart I’m like c’monnnnn ❤ when you really know someone, you know their potential and their real heart, and you just want them to SPROUT. But I had to finally wake up and come to my senses that it is not enough. You can’t make somebody want to do better or want to be the person they may want to be. You can’t make somebody want to walk along side with you. You just can’t.
I realize that I will be experiencing a lot of ‘lonely’ nights, afternoons, and even mornings. I realize that. But that’s apart of the deal. And again, I finally truly believe that nobody is ever ‘lonely’ with God. I went through my iCloud and iPhoto on my computer last night and went to old messages and screenshots and all that from all the way back to this time last year and my mouth and heart just sank. Amazing. It is amazing how much circumstances and relationships change because we allow so much YUCK to destroy. Word to the wise: DON’T go back and look because you only make yourself get all in your feelings (ha) (not ha).
And that’s just it. I know the friends and the people that really love me every day of the week and not just at 2 o’clock in the morning when they’re turnt or when somebody’s lonely etc etc. will open their eyes to see that I am finally through and will still love me and want me in their lives. I hope to inspire.
It’s funny because I watched this video once and the commentator said… “start LOOKIN at you. Start TALKING to yourself. Start CUDDLING yourself. Start WORKING on YOU. Crafting YOU.” I giggle as I write that because yyaasssss. ‘Tis what a season in life might take. I am very very very thankful for the guidance in my life. I am very thankful for my family and for my friends. There is literally not a thing else I need in this world that God has not given me. I realize it took allowing myself to reach a very very low point in my life to wake up. And I am forever and ever and ever thankful.
“Remember it is you that makes the changes. And you must stick with those changes. You are about to turn twenty years old! I promise you, if you stick with these changes… If you walk through with your head held high trusting Him… If you stick. with. it. Joan… I PROMISE you that if you do that… I p r o m i s e you… He is going to just LAVISH His blessings on You. He has got so much for you. Are you ready for it? Stay faithful. Stay wise. And stay CONSTANT in prayer.”
y e s m a ‘ a m.